My Dad – Stream of Consciousness

I’ve written and spoken about my dad since his passing a year ago. I never thought writing about my father today was going to take some effort. How do I know? Tears are trickling down my face as I write this.

Yesterday a co-worker asked me if I had any plans with my dad this weekend. “He passed away last year but…” I wasn’t able to finish my sentence when he responded with an “oh sorry, to hear that…”.  I had a lump in my throat and my eyes were watery. I simply smiled in return.

When the nurse called to tell me he passed away, I broke down and cried. My son ran to my side believing I got hurt. I didn’t realize I let out a scream and fell limp on the chair in tears.

Last night in silence I cried thinking about him. I thought about his final days and the amount of pain he was going through. Why did I continue to reflect on this time in his life?  He was heavily sedated; in/out and finally in a coma. I would pass by the hospital praying he would open his eyes and/or say something. Didn’t know at that time he had other plans. Why couldn’t I have changed the thoughts to earlier days when he was all right?

I was listening to music and the song “Let it be” from Paul McCarthy began to play.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. 

I felt peace surround me and I knew immediately I was being comforted. For those of you who don’t know this, when my son was young I began to pray to Mother Mary to protect and guide us. She’s been there for us every time and still is.

I know my dad is looking over us as well. On his days off, he’s enjoying himself by watching the NY Yankees play baseball with a beer in his hand.

Happy Father’s Day everyone.





48 thoughts on “My Dad – Stream of Consciousness

  1. This is a beautiful post. My heart is so touched. Mother Mary is a beautiful presence, and so are you. I also wanted to let you know that I’m going to be taking a break from blogging, probably for a week to a week and a half. I’m at a spiritual conference so will be booked up most of the day. Just wanted to let you know in case you didn’t hear from me! I plan to do a blog post tomorrow to let folks know. <3
    So much Light to you and the Soul of your dad.

    1. Have a great time at the conference! Sounds interesting. I’m considering taking time off as well although I don’t post everyday. 😉. Have fun and see you in a couple of days. x Bernice

  2. Sorry for your loss…it brought back memories of my own mother, in a coma lying in a hospital bed dying.

    1. Thanks Tasha…you know first hand how the last days can stay with you. Wasn’t easy but replacing them with fond memories made me feel better. Sorry for your loss. x

  3. as i read this, there is a part of me that is still stuck on his final days..and where i was when i too got the call. thanks for sharing.

  4. A very touching tribute…and one that many of us have travelled with too. Certain days bring back the memories. I hope at some point, like me, your journey through loss arrives at a time where the sadness is replaced by a smile in remembrance as the good moments and fine memories begin to trickle in. It is tough and you post shows this part very well. I hope you perhaps share another eulogy next year to compare thoughts with this one as the same day looms in. It doesn’t get easier, just less painful in time x

    1. I’ve had funny and good memories of my father with a touch of sadness for his loss until last night. I guess I needed to release what I felt during his last days. It was tense but I feel freer now (if that makes any sense to you). Thanks for sharing Gary and Happy Fathers Day to you. x

      1. Yes, those moments often hit out of the blue sometimes too. I think it’s good you found the courage to be able to release it in a post. Personally speaking I’ve found fellow bloggers an immense help at times. In fact above and beyond anything I ever expected when I started. Proper sense of community in my humble opinion.

        And thank you re Father’s Day…it draws a twinge here too but my kids make up for that x

  5. Very touching post. I understand what you mean when you say: “Why couldn’t I have changed the thoughts to earlier days when he was all right?” Sometimes our minds get fixated on the hard times. I wish you much strength and inner peace. Mourning the loss of somebody you really loved and cared about can take years. I still get tears when I remember one loss in my life that dates back 7 years now, and another one from around 4 years ago. What’s wonderful, though, is that an animal and a person, respectively, touched my heart so much that I still miss them after all these years 🙂 I hope I can also touch somebody in such a deep way that they cry for me years afterwards.. Love & blessings, Sam

  6. It’s a good gried when loving memories are laced in with the tears 🙂 My father died some 10 years ago. The good memories replace the sadness and grief. Every blessing to you xx

  7. I’m sorry for your loss. A year ago is not that far a way. I’m glad that you found a special way to honor what feels like an awesome dad. Enjoy your father’s day.

  8. I’m welling up! I’m sure on some level your Dad felt all you felt and wanted to say and if he didn’t we know and you are truly a beautiful person who deserves nothing but happiness. My thoughts are with you xxx

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss, Bernice. My dad died 11 years ago after a short battle with cancer & I still cry when I think of him. Your dad looked like a lovely man.

  10. It’s a hard day for us today, I also have his birthday next week, there is not a day I don’t spend thinking of my father, and most with a little tear, just can’t help it, I miss him so much, but I know in my heart, that he would not want this,he would want me to be happy, I know he is with me at all times, and that gives me great comfort, and I also know he is now at peace, and that in turn gives me peace.Have a good day and lets remember with happy memories all those great fathers xx

    1. Thank you for the comforting words. I remember the great days yet for some reason I was stuck thinking of his last days. Glad we crossed paths. There’s so much in common between us. Hope you’ve found comfort with your dad too. 💕

      1. Thank you, I found more peace, due to his lasr day, I know he would not of wanted that, and that gives me comfort, that he is at peace now and hopefully happy watching over us. I am also happy we crossed paths , you see they already have done a great deed, that’s what father’s do. x

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