I’ve written and spoken about my dad since his passing a year ago. I never thought writing about my father today was going to take some effort. How do I know? Tears are trickling down my face as I write this.
Yesterday a co-worker asked me if I had any plans with my dad this weekend. “He passed away last year but…” I wasn’t able to finish my sentence when he responded with an “oh sorry, to hear that…”. I had a lump in my throat and my eyes were watery. I simply smiled in return.
When the nurse called to tell me he passed away, I broke down and cried. My son ran to my side believing I got hurt. I didn’t realize I let out a scream and fell limp on the chair in tears.
Last night in silence I cried thinking about him. I thought about his final days and the amount of pain he was going through. Why did I continue to reflect on this time in his life? He was heavily sedated; in/out and finally in a coma. I would pass by the hospital praying he would open his eyes and/or say something. Didn’t know at that time he had other plans. Why couldn’t I have changed the thoughts to earlier days when he was all right?
I was listening to music and the song “Let it be” from Paul McCarthy began to play.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
I felt peace surround me and I knew immediately I was being comforted. For those of you who don’t know this, when my son was young I began to pray to Mother Mary to protect and guide us. She’s been there for us every time and still is.
I know my dad is looking over us as well. On his days off, he’s enjoying himself by watching the NY Yankees play baseball with a beer in his hand.
Happy Father’s Day everyone.